Coping with Cognitive Dissonance After Discovering a New Adult Family Member

Finding out as an adult that you have a new family member or that the person you believed to be your father isn’t biologically related to you can be a deeply unsettling experience. Such revelations often challenge core beliefs about identity, family, and belonging, which can lead to what psychologists call cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance occurs when a person holds two contradictory beliefs or thoughts at the same time, creating an uncomfortable feeling of tension. In the case of discovering a new family member, this might involve holding onto the belief that “my family is as I’ve always known it” while also grappling with new information that contradicts this idea.

Emotional Reactions to Cognitive Dissonance

When faced with cognitive dissonance in the context of family revelations, individuals may experience a variety of emotions, including:

  • Anxiety: The mind struggles to reconcile the conflicting beliefs, creating stress about what this new information means for one’s identity and relationships.
  • Guilt: Guilt may arise from feeling conflicted about loyalty to the family members you’ve always known versus the new biological relative.
  • Shame: Some individuals may feel ashamed, especially if they believe that this new information reflects poorly on their family or their past understanding of their relationships.

These emotions are natural responses to the confusion and internal conflict brought on by cognitive dissonance.

Common Reactions to Resolving Cognitive Dissonance

People handle cognitive dissonance in different ways, and it’s common for those in this situation to take steps to minimise or resolve the discomfort. Some of the most typical reactions include:

  1. Hiding Actions or Beliefs: A person might choose to keep the new family information private, avoiding discussions about it with others to prevent judgment or further discomfort.
  2. Rationalising Actions or Choices: Some may continuously rationalise the situation, telling themselves that this revelation doesn’t change anything significant, or that “family is more than biology” to restore consistency in their mind.
  3. Avoiding Conversations or Debates: It’s not uncommon for individuals to shy away from conversations about parentage, ancestry, or family, to avoid being reminded of the uncomfortable truth.
  4. Avoiding New Information: Some may avoid learning any further information about their biological family or resist diving deeper into the reasons behind their situation, because doing so could increase dissonance.
  5. Ignoring External Evidence: Whether it’s avoiding conversations with doctors, research on genetics, or even family documents, ignoring these sources can allow the individual to maintain their previous beliefs, even if they are no longer factually accurate.
  6. Gaslighting: Not always deliberate, but cognitive dissidence can cause someone to ‘forget’ and also lie. Not remembering something from 50 years ago is understandable, however often ‘I don’t remember’ information that was given only a few days before can happen. Leading to a frustrating close down of a much-needed conversation.

By avoiding this factual information, people can maintain their behaviours and relationships without having to fully confront the cognitive dissonance they feel. This might be a temporary coping mechanism, helping them continue with their daily lives without feeling overwhelmed by the new reality.

The Opportunity for Cognitive Growth and Change

However, cognitive dissonance doesn’t always result in avoidance or denial. For some, the discomfort brought on by the dissonance can prompt positive change. This revelation could become an opportunity to reassess personal values, explore what family truly means, and examine relationships more deeply. For instance, someone might decide to:

  • Embrace the New Reality: Rather than resist, some people may embrace the new family member, seeking to understand their place in the broader family context.
  • Alter Behaviour to Align with Beliefs: Some might adjust their view of family to include a broader, more inclusive definition, incorporating both biological and emotional bonds.
  • Re-examine Relationships: The dissonance might lead to a reevaluation of their relationship with their known family, building a stronger connection based on emotional ties rather than biology.

In this way, the experience of cognitive dissonance can be a powerful motivator for personal growth. While uncomfortable at first, resolving the dissonance by adapting beliefs or actions can ultimately lead to greater emotional clarity and a more authentic sense of self.

Final Thoughts

Discovering a new family member or learning that a parent isn’t biologically related can create significant emotional turmoil due to cognitive dissonance. The clash between old and new beliefs can lead to feelings of anxiety, guilt, or shame, and often triggers various coping mechanisms like avoidance or rationalisation. However, for some, this dissonance may serve as an opportunity to change behaviours, examine values, and redefine relationships, ultimately allowing them to achieve a sense of cognitive consistency and personal peace.

Cognitive dissonance is a normal part of the human experience, and learning to navigate it can foster emotional resilience, especially when it comes to navigating complex family dynamics. Give people time, some people process new information much slower than others.